It’s raining. Men.

The weather has turned. And my sunny Australian optimism is slowly turning a little grey, too.

I’d been warned about the London winter. Former Londoners had gleefully described it as ‘hell on earth’, ‘soul destroying’ and ‘the single most awful thing you will ever experience’. I laughed. I had my heart broken last year, remember? A little cold weather is hardly likely to get me down!

But you know what? Those smug ex-Londoners were right. IT’S BLOODY COLD. The sky is actually grey. There’s so much water in the air, my hair tuns to frizz the second I walk out the door. The other day it was so face-freezingly cold, I wore two coats, and a scarf wrapped around my nose. It never, never stops raining. And you know what the worst thing is? It’s October. IT’S NOT EVEN WINTER YET.

It’s a source of constant amusement to my cocky, acclimatised housemates. They sit in t-shirts and shorts, laughing at me as I wrap myself from head to toe in a cocoon of blankets just to watch the telly. Forget the Heathrow Injection (that layer of fat all Aussies get when they move to curry-loving London), I’m looking bulky enough thanks to the three or four jumpers I’m wearing at any given time!

Which is surely not going to be a great look when it comes to meeting my Mr Right. Unless he has a thing for thermal-wear?

So far, I still haven’t found him. But I have encountered a WHOLE HOST of Mr Wrongs. I don’t know if it’s an English thing, but I have met some hilariously rude and inappropriate men since I landed in this wonderful city. Some highlights:

Mr Racist: A very proper British chap who I met at a volunteering gig. He was the epitome of politeness, until he gave me the hot tip, “If you ever date a black person, don’t worry about being on time. They never turn up to anything when they’re supposed to.” Charming.

Mr Aggressive: A man I sat next to at a dinner, who didn’t talk to me ALL night. Until very late, when he turned around and barked, “Are you single?” When I said yes, he told me it was probably because I was a terrible girlfriend. He then told me, “well, I would give you my number, but my phone is broken”. What. A. Shame.

Mr Literal: A guy who wore a t-shirt with ‘C*NT’ stamped across it. A bit too honest with the advertising, perhaps?

Mr Snob: A young, rich, unemployed toff. When I told him I was keeping myself really busy with lots of social events, he confidently replied, “Well, they will definitely dry up”. Cheers.

Mr Druggie: A man who, when listing his attributes, included, “do you like coke? Because my brother is the biggest coke dealer in Essex”. No. No, I don’t.

Mr Offensive: A man, who over the course of one evening, told me my accent was “terrible”, that he had two girlfriends, and I that I looked about 36. I am appalled and embarrassed to say this guy’s charms kind of worked on me. I blame Bridget Jones. And tequila.

Or maybe it’s just the cold? Could the freezing temperatures be messing with my head, as well as my hair? Yes. I’ll blame that.

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6 thoughts on “It’s raining. Men.

  1. Wow. You certainly meet a lot of fuckwits,dont ya?! PLEASE tell me you didn’t shag any of them!! Or if you did, that you AT LEAST robbed them afterwards! x

    • Hi!

      Meeting idiots is great fun – they provide so much awesome material!

      I’m pleased to say there was no shagging or robbing… Though that would help me check off ‘break the law’ on my Chick List!

  2. You are killing me! People like that really exist…that is amazing. I guess the amazing thing is you are meeting them all one after the other. Wow, just wow. Stay away from Mr. Offensive! No no no.

  3. I don’t know what I would do. I hate the cold. Born and raised southern California girl. I’m spoiled as shit when it comes to the weather and will start complaining when it gets lower than 70. You might think I’m joking but I’m being completely serious.

    That being said, I think I’m starting to break out of my shell after experiencing real snowfall for the first time in my life in Canada last year. It was pretty exciting for me because I knew I was only there 4 days. Otherwise I think I would have filled a hot tub with hot cocoa, gotten in, and never left.

    • I’m from a pretty similar background. From a lovely, sunny, Australian city.

      When I woke up in London this morning, my LAWN WAS FROZEN. It’s horrendous.

      BUT.

      I did get to buy earmuffs yesterday. And I’ve discovered hot chocolate with a shot of Bailey’s in it (imagine a bath full of that!). So there are lots of exciting, new things that comes with a change in climate.

      As long as I survive the winter, they’ll be memories I can hold on to forever.

      • Oh dear. I don’t know what it’s like to have your lawn frozen but it sounds horrid.

        I bought earmuffs in Canada. Some SUPER fluffy ones! The woman pleasantly asked, “Are you from somewhere cold?” She laughed in my face when I told her I was from California 😦

        As long as the alcohol doesn’t sting my privates, I’m for boozed-up hot chocolate! 😛

        That’s very true and very exciting 🙂

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